


expressing delight as a myth

by shepromisestheearth



Series: action and consequence [1]
Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Angst, M/M, Prelude to the motion picture, after the five year mission, celebration gone wrong, kirk is admiral now, mention of alcohol consumption, you know what that means
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-10
Updated: 2019-11-10
Packaged: 2021-01-26 22:34:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,575
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21381700
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shepromisestheearth/pseuds/shepromisestheearth
Summary: Following the five-year mission, a dinner is thrown for the crew of the Enterprise in celebration. Kirk finds himself looking for Spock.
Relationships: James T. Kirk/Spock
Series: action and consequence [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1552141
Comments: 4
Kudos: 40





	expressing delight as a myth

**Author's Note:**

> hello everyone! so sorry about the lack of postings- I’ve been super busy. I wrote this following my first watching of the motion picture, because I needed some kind of explanation as to why Spock left for Vulcan. 
> 
> If you see any mistakes in this, please let me know in the comments! I hope you guys enjoy... sorry about the angst, I’ll have a sweet thing coming up soon :^)

CAPTAIN’S LOG: STARDATE 5.8435

Today concludes the five year mission of the U.S.S. Enterprise. Preparations are being made for our landing at the Starfleet Headquarters, whereupon we will receive our promotions and deposit the information we have gathered over the course of our mission. Following the meetings, a festive dinner will be thrown in honor of those who served upon the Enterprise.  
-  
THE banquet hall was packed full of those in a bright combination of Starfleet regulation uniforms, and the families of those officers in civilian clothing. Multiple tables were filled with foods from all sorts of cultures, procured by the requests of Kirk to accommodate those aboard his ship and those who ranked in Starfleet that would also be at the party. 

Ten minutes ago, James T. Kirk, now Starfleet’s youngest admiral, had gone to the bar and ordered a Long Island. Now, he glanced around for one person in particular, occasionally pausing to greet or thank those who approached him. 

He dipped into a circle of his former crew, seated around a round table the color of sapphire. At the center of the excitement were Chekov and Scotty, in the midst of a drinking game. Chekov, despite his rigor, appeared to be losing, while Scotty calmly downed each shot of scotch. 

“Mister Scott.” He said, laying his hand on his head engineer's shoulder, “Have you seen Mr. Spock?”

“Not since the ceremony, Jim. I thought he would’ve been at your side.” Scotty said, wiping his lips as he turned to his former captain. 

Chekov piped up, “Привет, Capt- Admiral, I saw him leaving the hall a few minutes ago.” 

“Oh, thank you, Chekov. I’ll see you gentlemen later.” Kirk lifted his glass. 

“Aye.” Scotty affirmed, before turning back to his task at hand. Kirk hoped that the drinking they were doing now wouldn’t hurt them too much in the morning, but he had duties other than telling two grown men not to drink themselves sick. 

Kirk placed his hand over his pocket, feeling again the box that sat there. All morning, since it had taken residence there, he had worried that it would somehow sneak from his pocket. The notion was ridiculous, of course, but a fear nonetheless

The doors fwiped open, revealing a long hallway with a multitude of screens lining the walls. Showcased on them were decorated Starfleet officers, one of which included Kirk. Youngest Starfleet Captain. It would soon change to include him taking up the position of youngest admiral, as well. 

However, Kirk’s eyes drew not to himself, but almost immediately to the man standing in the hallway. He wore a set of plum colored robes, head bowed low. His severe haircut- and severe eyebrows- made him look sharper than ever. 

“Darling?” Kirk asked, approaching his partner, “What are you doing out here? Did the party become too much for you?”

Spock turned around quickly as Kirk moved towards him. A dark cast had fallen over his stoic face, lips pressed more tightly than issue. In fact, all of him was tense. 

“Spock,” Kirk repeated, “What’s wro-?” 

“I am going back to Vulcan.”

He couldn’t have heard him correctly. He thought of sunflowers and farmhouses. He thought of morning kisses- uninterrupted by code reds or comms from a crew. He thought of long walks through the forests, of identifying mushrooms and birds and butterflies. He thought of home, of Spock, as synonyms. 

“You’re- you’re what?” 

“I have been encouraged to return to my father’s planet,” Spock made a steeple of his fingers, resting the index and middle fingers on his lower lip. It was trembling, “To undergo kohlinar.” 

“Kohlinar?” 

Spock’s eyes softened, and as if to hide it, he bowed his head lower. 

“The purging of all emotion.” 

The definitive way that Spock had said the words made Jim feel as if he were going supernova, as if the great fingertips of the universe were digging into his skin and ripping his mass apart.

“No,” Kirk said, panicked. Rushing towards him, his hand found his upper arm, “Spock-,” 

Spock’s eyes filled with the same compassion they always reflected, but it was bitter as he grew rigid against the touch. Kirk had rarely found himself pleading with someone- he hadn’t pleaded on Tarsus, and hadn’t pleaded with the opposition. But this was different, this was Spock, who had given him a sense of tranquility, wholeness. This was Spock, who he planned to leave Starfleet for, whose ring weighed his pocket. 

It only seemed right to plead for the one who had insisted on calling him his t’hy’la. 

“I apologize for making our parting like this. I had hoped to avoid witnessing your grief, and your witnessing of mine.” Spock said. 

Kirk barked out a dry laugh, “What, were you going to run away without my notice? So you wouldn’t have to watch me and my stupid human emotions?” 

“It is because I care deeply for you, ashayam.” His eyes met Kirk’s, eyebrows suspended in a subtle disdain. 

“Then why?” Jim stepped closer, afraid that Spock was going to flee to Vulcan- and never come back. Parting from him, ever parted. 

Spock hesitated, averting his eyes, “My father has advised that I return following our mission.” 

“He doesn’t know, does he?” Jim’s eyes stung, sand in his eyes. The glare was too harsh. 

“His intention is for me to follow in his footsteps, as a Vulcan ambassador. He is aging. He wishes for me to find a wife on Vulcan,” As always, Spock’s words had little to no reflection of how he felt, but through their bond Jim could sense a great anxiety. 

They had agreed, at the beginning, not to tell Sarek; on the terms of his imminent disdain towards their relationship. At some point, Spock must’ve told him in an attempt to stay. 

A wife on Vulcan. The stars misaligned, and the ring in his pocket slipped into a black hole. No meaning. No hope. And he should have known. 

“You were why,” Kirk paused, blinking rapidly, “I accepted the admiralty. I wanted you to stay here with me. To have a life of our-,” 

And he stopped mid sentence, drew back and looked in that face of reason, of safety and of home, and considered that maybe he didn’t want him anymore. No longer wanted to deal with his dumb luck or stubbornness, that he would rather have nothing than this. 

Doubt, and stomach-churning pain clogged their bond. 

“It is not so, Jim.” Spock assuaged, extending two fingers. His voice more delicate than ever, “This ritual has nothing to do with you, ashayam-,” 

“It has everything to do with me. I’m the one who put you in this mess.” Kirk’s hands were shaking, and he retracted them for Spock. Let him go the way he needed. 

He wondered to himself if he ever expected Spock to change, and the answer was no- because he never wished for such. His heart ached because he loved Spock for who he was, always had been; not because he ever expected to make him more human, or otherwise.

It was not that the human had lost; rather, that what had been instilled in him as truth for told his fear of the unknown emotions of an alien world he was inexplicably linked to. And Kirk was the root of the unknown. 

“Did I ever put you in pain?” Kirk asked, folding his hands behind his back, “Because you expressed your emotions? Did I cause you pain, Spock?” 

“You would never intentionally cause me pain, Jim. This is the very thing I was attempting to avoid, so you would not despair over this decision. You will find greater, and forget your emotions for me naturally. It is the human way.” 

“No, I will find no greater,” Kirk murmured, shaking his head. Miserable to think he thought himself as replaceable, “I will always have a place for you,” 

And Spock, blessed Spock, placed his fingertips beneath his eyes and wiped their wetness. Jim had not realized that he was crying. 

“I shall find you again, t’hy’la.” Spock vowed, hand cupping Kirk’s cheek. He leaned forward, pressing a gentle kiss to his forehead, “But do not come looking for me. I will not be as I once was.” 

Wrapping his arms around him, Jim Kirk watched behind his eyelids as the world collapsed around him, as the last of the dust was eaten by the universe, winked out of existence in fifteen fragile minutes. Was Armageddon to be this short? Spock smelled of clove and a world that he had only brushed his fingertips of, and the more he smelled his shoulder and left it wet, the more he did not want to leave it. 

“I don’t believe it,” Kirk whispered, pressing a kiss, “You’ll be as you always have been. And I will be as I am. And it’ll all be alright, someday.”

He couldn’t be angry with him, no. Though he tried so desperately to be, so desperately trying to harden his heart and burst with indignation. 

I have been, and always shall be, yours. 

The sun, lemon yellow, slipped from his grasp. And the bond longed as if it parted, stretching so violently that Kirk could almost envision it- single red line, frayed and thinner than spider silk. As for now, Spock encouraged his love; for when he arrived on the red planet, it would cease to be so.


End file.
